negative

the beta was negative.

i am most definitely not pregnant at the end of this cycle #4 in which i really thought i was. what a fool.

john and i have our meeting with dr. p on tuesday 3/2 to see why since cycle #1 the other 3 didn't work...most especially this last one that was by all means "perfect". why it's been a year since i became pregnant. gosh. a whole year next week since we started the cycle that got us pregnant.

i.am.devastated. this time hurts so much worse than the other 2 times. i just feel that with every negative we get, our chance at increasing our family slips through the ever-growing space between our fingers. that the "perfect" little family i always envisioned having with 2-3 kids (14+ if we won the lottery) was all just that...a vision. a vision that will never come true no matter what we try. no matter how much positive thinking we do. no matter how many drugs are injected into various parts of my body. no matter how much we pray.

then when i think about that, i feel like such a jerk because there are others out there struggling to have their first child and here i am all ho-hum and down in the dumps because i can't have a second. i feel greedy. i feel sorry for those women. because if it hurts anything like this does (and i'm sure it hurts worse), it's terrible and i wouldn't wish infertility or secondary infertility on anyone.

i'm off this rollercoaster ride for the month of march. dr. p has me scheduled for a laperoscopy to check for endometriosis among other things. all i think is endo=ivf=$$$$+$$$$ that we just don't have. that's not an option for us. so at that point...we.are.done. ugh. tough pill to swallow at this moment in time.

i wish i could refund your tickets for this last ride. thanks for hanging on as long as you did.