it still stings

wow.  it's been a long time.

i have written and rewritten blog posts for this blog fo-ev-ah, but never managed to hit publish.

things have been moving by at the speed of light.  the boys are growing like weeds (tony turned 6 two weeks ago and vinnie was 10 months this past sunday).  time is flying by.  like way. too. fast.

i'm not sure what direction this blog will take, or if i'll continue with it all.  i may just hit print and publish it into a book before deleting it.  keeping the memories of the struggles to reach the goal we set out to achieve.  i just don't know. it's most definitely the early chapters of vinnie's baby book.

what i do know is that infertility doesn't get better when you manage to be successful and have a baby.  it still stings.  it knocks you down when you least expect it.   don't get me wrong, i am beyond blessed to have anthony and vincent, and i don't ever - will never - take them or my pregnancies for granted.  but the bottom line is, i'm still broken.  i am still infertile.

we don't have the money, nor do i have the strength, to do treatments again, and therefore, i will never be able to conceive and carry another child.  i will never be able to have that element of surprise, that am i,  aren't i?  i dutifully take my bc pills every night and often question, why bother.  my eggs are bad, and i don't ovulate.  it would never happen even if we just "threw caution to the wind".  i guess deep down it just makes me feel a little normal.  like i have to take it in order to not get pg.  i laugh when a dr. warns me about mixing antibiotics and bcp's...ha, ok. 

i have about 8 people in my life right now that are pregnant and expecting before the end of april.  that's 8 babies between january and may, almost 2 a month in most cases.  while i am so happy for every single one of these mamas-to-be, every announcement, even the most carefully, personally announced in private ones (anticipating how it might feel for me to hear it), of which there was only 2...2 out of 10 (25%), still stung.  it isn't about me...i get it.  but i guess what gets me riled up is that people change.  people you think you know change when they make an announcement like this.  they become cavalier.  forgetting that others have feelings too, and that your happy news just might make someone terribly sad.  not for you, and not forever, but just for a moment or two, they will be sad for themselves.  sometimes others are so self-absorbed in their own selves that they don't think about other people.  like, ever.  funny that many of these same people are the first to complain when their feelings get hurt,  but never stop to think they end up doing the exact same thing by their actions.

i just don't think i'll ever get over it.  i just don't see how people do.

i know, oh, too bad for me, right? i say this because i have some people in my life that i've known for a long time that have never had this. they've gone through treatment after treatment and still are empty-armed. i feel terrible for them that they have not got their happy endings yet.  i have friends who i see struggling to conceive another child and i pray for them.  i pray that they don't have to go through what we did the second time around.  i pray that their friends and family can be supportive and help them through, i know i'll be there.  i pray that they find the strength to get through pg announcements and that their friends aren't so cavalier about their pg's as some i've encountered, taking them for granted and complaining at every turn.