going through the motions

that's how i've felt this past week and a half...like i was just going through the motions of my day to day life. i am having a hard time mentally dealing with what has happened.

the weekend after finding out and before the dc&e, we spent with my sister and brother-in-law camping...i don't think we could have spent that weekend with anyone but them. my sister and i talked a lot about what's happened over the past 2 months with her and i. as close as we were before and as different as our situations are from one another, we share something now that has only brought us closer. being able to talk to her and have her "understand" what i'm going through has been therapeutic. i'm hoping in the next few months, we'll be able to share something happier with one another and can help each other through that as well.

the dc&e was uneventful. it was a week ago today, almost to the exact time. i was somewhat calm, again, going through the motions of what i had to do. hospital forms, answering nurses questions, verifying my birthdate eighty-five billion times and confirming that yes, indeed, i am who i am. but when i saw my dr. just outside the or, i lost it. this was the dr. that was with me my entire first day in labor (after being induced) wtih anthony. it was the dr. that i had hoped would deliver this new baby...how wrong i was. he walked a long road with us that day in november 2005 and then again last summer when diagnosing us with our secondary infertility problem and referring us to the re...talk about coming full circle.

aside from some crampiness in the few days that followed the procedure, physically i feel fine. i've had just some occasional spotting and it's not even anything regular. i expected it to be much worse...i'm of course terrified that something is "wrong with me" and my body isn't reacting how it should...or that this is a sign that my period won't be right or it will take forever for it to return, therefore delaying our timing of ttc again.

we meet with dr. d next wednesday and hopefully we'll have the results from the chromosomal testing and maybe have some answers...i'm not holding my breath. after that appointment i will be calling the re to schedule our appointment to return there. we got a lovely handwritten card from dr. p last week saying how sorry and saddened he was to learn of our loss and that "we should be successful again". as nice as it was, it was also a little upsetting too. we were successful already...or i should say he was. he did what he was supposed to do...he got me pregnant. so of course it's easy to say we should be successful in doing that again...how about making it stick. anyone find a way of making this happen? if so, let me know...