so much to write

i have so much to fill everyone in on on this past cycle. i've updated the timeline quickly with the dates and how long this cycle has been (so far...it's not even over yet). i'll have to update it again as i don't have my paper with all my levels. honestly, it was so wonky this cycle and life in general has been just absolutely insane that i haven't really given this much thought at all. the fact that my beta is on wednesday and i don't even have the urge to pee on anything or google a symptom is clearly evident of this.

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this weekend was one that i dreaded coming since last year. today is a day that i dreaded coming since last year. tomorrow is a day i dreaded coming since last year. it is one year to the day today and one year to the date tomorrow that we found out we had lost baby d. one year, 5 cycles and i'm still sitting here with hole in my heart and lop-sided arms. one year. in some ways it seems so much longer than that and yet in other ways i can still smell the dr.'s office and remember the sounds outside that exam room that day when they couldn't find the strong heartbeat that they had heard so clearly and loudly pumping away just 2 weeks before. i remember laying on the ultrasound table looking at the screen as she inserted "the wand" and i saw my baby, laying there inside my belly, lifeless.

no matter how hard we have tried for another baby and how lucky we will be if/when we finally do succeed, that tiny baby we lost a year ago will always, always hold a special, loving place in our hearts and not a day will go by that we won't think of her/him.